Self Deprecating Quotes

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I do have big tits. Always had 'em - pushed 'em up, whacked 'em around. Why not make fun of 'em? I've made a fortune with 'em.

The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

I was a poster child... for birth control!

Experience teaches us only one thing at a time - and hardly that, in my case.

I'm kinda like herpes, I just keep coming back.

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"

You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.

I look just like the girls next door... if you happen to live next door to an amusement park.

With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My axiom is, to succeed in business: avoid my example.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.

The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.

My memory was never loaded with anything but blank cartridges.

I'm as thick as a plank.

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.

It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.

My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.

I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

Fang can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house. He can't stand the competition.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

I don't get no respect, no respect at all!

I am a superior form of human and I have absolutely no quirks or irrational impulses of any kind.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still have tartar, but that stuff's under control. I got so much tartar, I don't have to dip my fish sticks in anything. That's actually kind of gross. After that joke, I have to clarify that I'm just joking.

Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it.

I haven't been able to slam-dunk the basketball for the past five years. Or, for the thirty-eight years before that, either.

I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade!

When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt - for obvious reasons - that nothing in my life went right, and I realized that millions of people felt the same way. So when I first cameback my catch phrase was "nothing goes right." Early on, that was my setup for a lot of jokes.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.

I like golf because you can be really terrible at it, and still not look much dorkier than anybody else.

I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... and reduce the crime rate.

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.

[On being overweight:] If I tried to haul ass, I would have to make two trips.

The burden of the self is lightened with I laugh at myself.

If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.

I can't get no respect.

I know some of the best Dolly Parton jokes. I made 'em up myself.

Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?'

One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.

I started over again with an image: Nothing goes right. Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, Show respect. With me, you show respect. So I changed the image to I don't get no respect. I tried it out in Greenwich Village. I remember the first joke I told: Even as a kid, I'd play hide and seek and the other kids wouldn't even look for me. The people laughed. After the show, they started saying to me, Me, too - I don't get no respect. I figured, let's try it again.

When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in.

My husband calls me 'catfish.' He says I'm all mouth and no brains.

I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

I never made `Who's Who,' but I'm featured in `What's That?'