"I travel with a boom box. When..." - Quote by Mitch Hedberg

“It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?”

“When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.”

“I like to wear a "Do Not Disturb" sign around my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock-knock jokes. "Hey, how ya doin'? Knock-knock." "Read the sign, punk!"”

“Marrying an old bachelor is like buying second-hand furniture.”

“You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.'”

“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.”

“I think it impossible, utterly impossible, for any Englishman to live here [in America], and be happy.”

“Wholesome food is wholesome food anywhere. I may not like something but, generally speaking, if it's a busy, street food stall serving mystery meat in India, they're in the business of serving their neighbors. They're not targeted toward a transient crowd of tourists that won't be around tomorrow. They're not in the business of poisoning their neighbors.”

“I am not much an advocate for traveling, and I observe that men run away to other countries because they are not good in their own, and run back to their own because they pass for nothing in the new places. For the most part, only the light characters travel. Who are you that have no task to keep you at home?”