"Yeah, I'm not into sports. If someone..." - Quote by Mitch Hedberg

“One time a guy handed me a picture. He said, 'Here's a picture of me when I was younger.' Every picture is of you when you were younger. 'Here's a picture of me when I'm older.' 'You son of bit, how'd you pull that off Let me see that camera. What's it look like'”

“As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes. You're all happy at first, but then by the end, you're sick of 'em.”

“Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.”

“There are two kinds of music; German music and bad music.”

“She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.”

“I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”

“Sometimes, things may not go your way, but the effort should be there every single night.”

“Golf is good for the soul. You get so mad at yourself you forget to hate your enemies.”

“I wasn't really a work-conscious type of person. I was a player. I loved to play sports.”