Wordplay Quotes

Mitch”, but then reattach it and call it “Mitch-all-together.

You know they call corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob", but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It's not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it "Mitch", but then re-attached it, and call it "Mitch-all-together".

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.

We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. . . But we're going back next week.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it.

A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

The straightest line between a straight distance is two points.

I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, but now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.

Heifer cow is better than none, but this is no time for puns

What's the opposite of suck? Un-suck?

You are going Uruguay, and I'm going my way

The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

I get the Reese's candy bar. You look at that, there's an apostrophe-s there. That means the candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar, and a guy named Reese comes by and says, "Gimme that", you better hand it over.

I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

Love, when spelled backwards and read phonetically, reads evil

When something is 'new and improved', which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

An art thief is a man who takes pictures.

Mrs. Teasdale congratulates him on his coronation and sovereignty: "The eyes of the world are upon you. Notables from every country are gathered here in your honor. This is a gala day for you." Firefly replies: "Well, a gal a day is enough for me. I don't think I could handle any more."

Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

I don't have change I'd have to give you nine more books

If drumsticks are for playing drums, you would think that breadsticks would be for playing bread, wouldn't you? "Would you like some breadsticks?" "No, thank you, I don't play bread. I play drums. Perhaps I'll have a drum roll."

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat

In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home!

Denial is much more then an Egyptian River.

Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water!

I was an only child, eventually.

I have a fax machine with "fax waiting".

There's this thing called freebasing. It's not free, it costs you your home. It should be called 'homebasing'.

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I went to a tent store. "What kind of tent do you need?" "Circus."

Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of the first day even if they have plenty of food and water.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

I box in yellow Gox box socks.

A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time.

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."

I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down

I wrote a letter to my Dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it, so I wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, Dad - there's a lot of stuff you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself.

Although the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other's picture.

I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.

In the dictionary under redundant it says see redundant.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.