"Dogs would make totally incompetent criminals. If..." - Quote by Dave Barry
Dogs would make totally incompetent criminals. If you could somehow get a group of dogs to understand the concept of the Kennedy assassination, they would all immediately confess to it. Whereas you'll never see a cat display any kind of guilty behavior, despite the fact that several cats were seen in Dallas on the grassy knoll area, not that I wish to start rumors.
More by Dave Barry
“I, alone, could never have produced this book. I say this mainly in case there are lawsuits.”
“You've read newspaper stories about elderly widows who die and leave their entire estates to their pet cats, right? Well, your cat reads those stories too, and has spent most of its skulking, devious little life dreaming about inheriting all your money.”
“France: As a professional journalist, I like the idea of a society where it is considered an acceptable occupation to basically sit around and drink.”
More on Humor
“The piano may do for love-sick girls who lace themselves to skeletons, and lunch on chalk, pickles and slate pencils, but give me the banjo.”
“His body rigid with terror as he waited for the savages to something horrible to him—bash his head with clubs, or stab him with spears, or… …or tap him on the shoulder.”
“The longer I live, the more convinced am I that this planet is used by other planets as a lunatic asylum.”
More on Animals
“Lobsters displays all three of the classic biological characteristics of an insect, namely: 1. It has way more legs than necessary. 2. There is no way you would ever pet it. 3. It does not respond to simple commands such as "Here, boy!"”
“We need a boundless ethic, one which will include the animals, too. Until we extend the circle of his compassions to all living things, we will not find peace.”
“Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?”