"Well, I was lost but now I..." - Quote by Mitch Hedberg

“One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes.”

“When we were on acid, we would go into the woods, because there was less chance that you would run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. My friend Duane was there, raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. He told me, "Mitchell, Smokey is way more intense in person!"”

“I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off.”

“Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.”

“There is nothing so difficult to marry as a large nose.”

“Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.”

“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”

“My brother thinks he's a chicken-We don't talk him out of it because we need the eggs”

“I just got this new camera. It's very advanced - you don't even need it.”