"I've been asked to say a couple..." - Quote by Phyllis Diller

“I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.”

“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.”

“get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one.”

“Sending armies to McClellan is like shoveling fleas across a barnyard, not half of them get there.”

“If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?”

“People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either being made.”

“I'll have no husband, if you be not he.”

“Human nature is so well disposed towards those who are in interesting situations, that a young person, who either marries or dies, is sure of being kindly spoken of.”

“I never did, nor do I believe I ever shall, give advice to a woman who is setting out on a matrimonial voyage; first, because I never could advise one to marry without her own consent; and, secondly, I know it is to no purpose to advise her to refrain when she has obtained it. A woman very rarely asks an opinion or requires advice on such an occasion, till her resolution is formed; and then it is with the hope and expectation of obtaining a sanction, not that she means to be governed by your disapprobation, that she applies.”