"I went to England to tell jokes,..." - Quote by Mitch Hedberg
I went to England to tell jokes, and I wanted to tell my Smokey the Bear joke, but I had to ask the English people if they knew who Smokey the Bear is. But they don't. In England, Smokey the Bear is not the forest-fire-prevention representative. They have Smackie the Frog. It's a lot like a bear, but it's a frog. And that's a better system, I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me and I thought, "Man, I better play dead!"
More by Mitch Hedberg
“The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.”
“I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff.”
“I went to a pizzeria. The guy gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart with what would you do if you found a million dollars, he gave me the "Donate it to charity" slice. "I'd like to exchange this for the 'Keep it!'"”
More on Humor
“This past Thanksgiving, my father was at the farm, and I had all 11 dogs in the house with a father who never allowed dogs in the house. And he got up to leave the table and came back and Solomon was in his chair. And he says, "This dog is in my chair." And I said, "It's the other way around, you're sitting in his chair."”
“Cancer research is a growth industry.”
“You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.”
More on Culture
“To have great poets, there must be great audiences.”
“Old elephants limp off to the hills to die; old Americans go out to the highway and drive themselves to death with huge cars.”
“It is absurd to say that there are neither ruins nor curiosities in America when they have their mothers and their manners.”