"I don't have a microwave oven, but..." - Quote by Mitch Hedberg

“I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.”

“Swiss Cheese is a rip-off It's the only cheese I can bite into and miss”

“I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.”

“When you find something funny search it for hidden truth.”

“Mickey Mouse to a three-year-old is a six-foot-tall RAT!”

“Other guys read Playboy. I read annual reports.”

“If you don't know a light bulb is a three-way light bulb, it messes with your head. You reach to turn it off, and it just gets brighter! That's the exact opposite of what I wanted you to do! So you turn the switch again, and it gets brighter once more! I will break you, light bulb!”

“I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all.”

“Every time I walk by a spy shop, I think that I need to put some surveillance on somebody. Rick's been acting fishy! I need to buy a safe that looks like a Spray 'N Wash can. "Hey, Mitch, can I use the Spray 'N Wash?" "Yeah, if you want to spray your shirt with documents!"”