"If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it..." - Quote by Phyllis Diller

“When I go to bed at night, I've got so much grease on my body I wear snow chains to hold up my gown.”

“You've got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It's when somebody steps on the bride's train, or belches during the ceremony that you've got comedy!”

“We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .”

“There isn't a Parallel of Latitude but thinks it would have been the Equator if it had had its rights.”

“I bought all those [fitness] videos -- Richard Simmons, Jane Fonda. I love to sit and eat cookies and watch 'em.”

“The play was a great success, but audience was a dismal failure.”

“The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.”

“My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs.”

“I'm as thick as a plank.”