"My body's in such bad shape I..." - Quote by Phyllis Diller

“All I ever learned at my mother's knee was what a bony knee looked like.”

“I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.”

“I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, "You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed."”

“I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.”

“Performing on a stool, we've got a sight to make you drool, seven virgins and a mule, keep it cool, keep it cool.”

“Never put off till tomorrow what you can do day after tomorrow just as well.”

“I think my hight had the most significant single effect on my existence, aside from my brain. In fact, it's part of an inferior-superior syndrome. I think I have an inferior brain and an inferior stature, if you really want to get brutal about it.”

“I have little feet because nothing grows in the shade.”

“Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.”