"I don't get the regular AIDS test..." - Quote by Mitch Hedberg

“If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, "Say thanks!"”

“When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.”

“This one commercial said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were!”

“When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.”

“As a general comment on baseball:"90% of the game is half mental."”

“I think going from laughing to crying to laughing to crying - making those quick turns adds years to your life.”

“Have your own doctor, who answers to you. If you don't, when the time comes that you get mixed up with hospitals, they'll treat you like a fool. ... You're bound to lose your health at some point, but you don't have to lose your dignity, too.”

“I enjoy convalescence. It is the part that makes the illness worth while.”

“When a man of normal habits is ill, everyone hastens to assure him that he is going to recover. When a vegetarian is ill (which fortunately very seldom happens), everyone assures him that he is going to die, and that they told him so, and that it serves him right. They implore him to take at least a little gravy, so as to give himself a chance of lasting out the night”