"Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled..." - Quote by Mitch Hedberg

“I want to ride in a cold air balloon. "This isn't going anywhere!"”

“I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo, so we all had equal shine and bounce.”

“I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me.”

“There's a heart beneath the boobs and a brain beneath the wig.”

“A cigarette is a pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other.”

“I don't get no respect, no respect at all!”

“The first thing that struck me on landing in America was that if the Americans are not the most well-dressed people in the world, they are the most comfortably dressed.”

“Some civilized women would lose half their charm without dress and some would lose all of it.”

“We must put up with our clothes as they are - they have their reason for existing. They are on us to expose us - to advertise what we wear them to conceal. They are a sign; a sign of insincerity; a sign of suppressed vanity; a pretense that we desire gorgeous colors and the graces of harmony and form; and we put them on to propagate that lie and back it up.”