"Any parent that relies on any law..." - Quote by Dave Barry

“I argue very well. Just ask any of my remaining friends.”

“The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.”

“Proper turkey preparation is critical. According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture, more Americans die every year from eating improperly cooked turkey than were killed in the entire Peloponnesian War. This is because turkey can contain salmonella, which are tiny bacteria that, if they get in your bloodstream, develop into full-grown salmon, which could come leaping out of your mouth during an important business presentation.”

“There are three kinds of liars: liars, damned liars, and statisticians”

“Democracy means doing whatever you want without asking permission of anybody but your boss, your doctor, your lawyer, your landlord, your bank, your city, your state and federal authorities, and your wife and children.”

“Everything that goes into my mouth seems to make me fat, everything that comes out of my mouth embarrasses me.”

“I'm not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did.”

“Alone of human beings the good and wise mother stands on a plane of equal honor with the bravest soldier; for she has gladly gone down to the brink of the chasm of darkness to bring back the children in whose hands rests the future of the years.”

“Maybe you know why a child can reject a hot dog with mustard served on a soft bun at home, yet eat six of them two hours later at fifty cents each.”