"I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're..." - Quote by Mitch Hedberg

“I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.”

“I went to a tent store. "What kind of tent do you need?" "Circus."”

“I didn't go to college, but if I did, I would've taken all my tests at a restaurant, 'cause 'The customer is always right'.”

“As an artist, all I need is my paints and brushes - and someone to drag me away when the canvas is done”

“I have a suggestion that I think would help fight serious crime. Signs. There are lots of signs for minor infractions: No Smoking, Stay Off the Grass, Keep Out, and they seem to work fairly well. I think we should also have signs for major crimes: Murder Strictly Prohibited, NO Raping People, Thank You for Not Kidnapping Anyone. It's certainly worth a try. I'm convinced Watergate would never have happened if there had just been a sign in the Oval Office that said, Malfeasance of Office Is Strictly Against the Law, or Thank You for Not Undermining the Constitution.”

“She's as funny as a toothache”

“My horses understand me tolerably well; I converse with them at least four hours every day. They are strangers to bridle or saddle; they live in great amity with me, and friendship of each other.”

“Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.”

“During my medical education at the University of Basle I found vivisection horrible, barbarous and above all unnecessary”