"My timing is so precise, a heckler..." - Quote by Phyllis Diller

“There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.”

“You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.”

“When I go to bed at night, I've got so much grease on my body I wear snow chains to hold up my gown.”

“Cut my pie into four pieces, I don’t think I could eat eight.”

“I have discovered photography. Now I can kill myself. I have nothing else to learn.”

“The only difference today between Liberals and Conservatives is that the Liberals go to mass at five o'clock and the Conservatives at eight.”

“When I first heard Elvis perform "Bridge Over Trouble Water" it was unbelivable,and I thought to myself, how the hell can I compete with that?”

“We shall play every game to the hilt with every ounce of fiber we have in our bodies.”

“The leader must be an actor.”