"My idea of exercise is a good..." - Quote by Phyllis Diller

“This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him.”

“If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.”

“Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.”

“The happiness of a married man depends on the people he has not married.”

“Sometimes they laugh at things I don't think are funny, but I believe if they're laughing at me, it's a good show.”

“Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.”

“My husband always felt that a marriage and career don't mix. That's why he's never worked.”

“Never put off till tomorrow what you can do day after tomorrow just as well.”

“When it comes to cooking, five years ago I felt guilty "just adding water." Now I want to bang the tube against the countertop and have a five-course meal pop out. If it comes with plastic silverware and a plate that self-destructs, all the better.”