"A perfect parent is a person with..." - Quote by Dave Barry

“Never lick a steak knife.”

“I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.”

“The doctor looked at my cardiogram and made that "hmmmm" noise that doctors are taught in medical school so they won't come right out and say "UH-oh!"”

“I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed man.”

“Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?”

“Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers. You'd see a flock of birds come by, laughing hysterically!”

“My son would walk to the refrigerator-freezer and fling both doors open and stand there until the hairs in his nose iced up. After surveying $200 worth of food in varying shapes and forms, he would declare loudly, 'There's nothing to eat!'”

“A child's education should begin at least one hundred years before he is born.”

“I aint such a mug as to put up my children to all I know myself.”