"I'm a hard act to follow, because..." - Quote by Mitch Hedberg

“Dogs are forever in the push up postion.”

“I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan.”

“I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.”

“When my friends and I played cowboys and Indians, I was always the Chinese railroad worker.”

“You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?”

“When the history of guilt is written, parents who refuse their children money will be right up there in the Top Ten.”

“Praise us as we are tasted, allow us as we prove.”

“In my opinion, the only way to conquer stage fright is to get up on stage and play. Every time you play another show, it gets better and better.”

“Please do not shoot the pianist. He is doing his best.”