"Kittens play with yarn, they bat it..." - Quote by Mitch Hedberg

“A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, "Shoot! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!"”

“Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.”

“I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.”

“Sudden total weight loss.”

“I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.”

“I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.”

“PETA doesn't want stressed animals to be cruelly crowded into sheds, ankle-deep in their own crap, because they don't want any animals to die ever and basically think chickens should, in time, gain the right to vote. I don't want animals stressed or crowded or treated cruelly or inhumanely because that makes them probably less delicious.”

“Even an animal, if you show genuine affection, gradually trust develops... If you always showing bad face and beating, how can you develop friendship?”

“Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?”