"I'm the only woman who can walk..." - Quote by Phyllis Diller

“We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.”

“If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all.”

“get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one.”

“The coke made me incredibly horny.”

“I don't have a computer. A computer's a typewriter. I already have a typewriter.”

“Now, if we only had as many casks of butter as there are people here, then I would eat lots of butter!”

“My mother had morning sickness after I was born.”

“It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.”

“You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.”