"One time I was forced to go..." - Quote by Mitch Hedberg

“I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."”

“I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.”

“That would be cool if the earth's crust was made out of graham cracker. It would disappear just like the ozone layer, but for completely different reasons.”

“Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't they'd be married too.”

“The ideal build for a golfer would be strong hands, big forearms, thin neck, big thighs and a flat chest. He'd look like Popeye.”

“There are terrific TV shows now. This is a golden age for TV humor, I think. There's an actual market there. Of course, I have no idea how you'd break in, but there must be a way. They have all these shows and they need jokes and somebody is writing them.”

“I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who has AIDS?". He says, "No". I say, "Cool, because you know me."”

“Be at ease, not dis-ease.”

“The very thrills of genius are disorganizing. The body is never quite acclimated to its atmosphere, but how often, succumbs and goes into a decline.”