"Guys are simple... women are not simple..." - Quote by Dave Barry

“I was a young person once, shortly after the polar ice caps retreated, and I distinctly recall believing that virtually all adults were clueless goobers.”

“That is the Wasp, yes. But it was captured by Black Stache, and he’s coming for this ship now.” “And how do you know that?” asked Slank. “Did a seagull tell you?” This brought chuckles from the crew. Something like that, thought Peter.”

“England manufactures most of the world's airline food, as well as all the food you ever ate in your junior-high-school cafeteria.”

“Don't touch my d**k, don't touch my knife.”

“Did Stanton say I was a damned fool? Then I dare say I must be one, for Stanton is generally right and he always says what he means.”

“Of course you don't want your kids swearing. But remember how fun it was to cuss when you were in the first grade?”

“Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.”

“Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."”

“Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"”