"I thought my teeth were white until..." - Quote by Mitch Hedberg

“I went to a tent store. "What kind of tent do you need?" "Circus."”

“When we were on acid, we would go into the woods, because there was less chance that you would run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. My friend Duane was there, raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. He told me, "Mitchell, Smokey is way more intense in person!"”

“I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.”

“I am humble Abraham Lincoln. I have been solicited by my friends to become a candidate for the Legislature. My politics are short and sweet, like the old woman's dance.”

“Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right.”

“If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.”

“If you are black, if you are Puerto Rican or Hispanic, be proud of that. But don't let it become a problem. Let it become somebody else's problem.”

“Our goal is to have a country that's not divided by race. And my impression, as I travel around the country, is that that's the kind of country that most people want, as well, and that we all have prejudice, we all have certain suspicions or stereotypes about people who are different from us, whether it's religious or racial or ethnic, but what I think I found in the American people, I think there's a core decency there, where if they take the time, if they get the time to know individuals, then they want to judge those individuals by their character.”

“King has big offices, houses, and he pays his fighters a lot of money. An, because he's black, the FBI figures he must be doing something crooked.”