"I wish I could play little league..." - Quote by Mitch Hedberg

“Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse. That would be chaos. I would think that if you were the headless horseman's horse, you would be very confused. "I don't think this dude can see."”

“I got a business card because I wanna win some lunches. That's what my business card says: Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner. Gimme a call, maybe we'll have lunch. If I'm lucky!”

“I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, though - I like to call them 'places to put stuff'. 'Do you know where I can store a pea' 'Yes, I have some locations available.'”

“To people who make moving ads that block the view of websites: Not only will we not buy from you, but we want shrews to eat your liver.”

“Poverty and oysters always seem to go together.”

“Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.”

“My mother made soft polenta often, and as a child, I would watch her stir until she looked like her arm would fall off.”

“This morning I lay in the bathtub thinking how wonderful it would be if I had a dog like Rin Tin Tin. I'd call him Rin Tin Tin too, and I'd take him to school with me, where he could stay in the janitor's room or by the bicycle racks when the weather was good.”

“Long before I learned to do a sum in arithmetic or describe the shape of the earth, Miss Sullivan had taught me to find beauty in the fragrant woods, in every blade of grass, and in the curves and dimples of my baby sister's hand.”