"If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would..." - Quote by Mitch Hedberg

“I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.”

“Foosball screwed up my perception of soccer. I though you had to kick the ball and then spin around and around. I can't do a back flip, much less several simultaneously with two other guys.”

“If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.”

“If you cannot prove a man wrong, don't panic. You can always call him names.”

“Generally the pythons are better than anything else at killing.”

“To me, smoking pot meant sitting with a newspaper on my legs, rolling the seeds down, pulling the twigs out and finally producing a perfectly cylindrical, absolutely wonderful joint that you either locked at both ends or pinched off, or pinched at one end and left open at the other.”

“I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.”

“Nothing in Man is either worse or better for being shared with the beasts.”

“Never have a dog. Let's not beat around the bush here: dogs are morons.”