"Because of acid, I now know that..." - Quote by Mitch Hedberg
Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.
More by Mitch Hedberg
“My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.”
“Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.”
“I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.”
More on Humor
“If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.”
“President Coolidge said, 'I don't want the Government to go into business.' Well, if I was Mr. Coolidge I wouldn't worry over that. The Government never has been accused of being a business man.”
“I don't want to be grotesque, but when you're 330 pounds, it's hard to wipe your a-. You know?”
More on Drugs
“Any combination of a 250-pound Mexican and LSD-25 is a potentially terminal menace for anything it can reach”
“Brenda [Carlin] went into therapy and I soon joined her. First we put the drugs behind us, then we began serious work on our relationship. And, in time, we got well together.She just drove through a hotel lobby. Now, that's bottoming out.”
“Sex, drugs, and insanity have always worked for me, but I wouldn't recommend them for everyone.”