"When everything's coming your way, you're in..." - Quote by Steven Wright

“I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.”

“I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?”

“My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.”

“You can call me the bad boy chef all you want. I'm not going to freak out about it. I'm not that bad. I'm certainly not a boy, and it's been a while since I've been a chef.”

“The average schoolmaster is, and always must be, an ass.”

“There is one thing more exasperating than a wife who can cook and won't, and that's a wife who can't cook and will.”

“Few know how to be old.”

“No single event can awaken within us a stranger whose existence we had never suspected. To live is to be slowly born.”

“I've learned that memories can have a physical, almost living presence.”