"I'm used to seeing it, but it's..." - Quote by Steven Wright

“I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?”

“Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?”

“Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?”

“As for life, it is a battle and a sojourning in a strange land; but the fame that comes after is oblivion.”

“Short-lived are both the praiser and the praised, and rememberer and the remembered: and all this in a nook of this part of the world; and not even here do all agree, no, not any one with himself: and the whole earth too is a point.”

“The good part about being famous is being able to help people. The hard part is every day you have to be in a good mood, because that is what people expect. You learn to get good at it.”

“As a Nobel Prize winner I cannot but regret that the award was never given to Mark Twain, nor to Henry James, speaking only of my own countrymen. Greater writers than these also did not receive the prize. I would have been happy - happier - today if the prize had been given to that beautiful writer Isak Dinesen.”

“Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.”

“Lots of people who complained about us receiving the MBE received theirs for heroism in the war - for killing people. We received ours for entertaining other people. I'd say we deserve ours more.”