Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes

Steven Wright (born 1955) is an American stand-up comedian, actor, and writer, known for his lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery. His comedy is characterized by irony, absurdity, and occasional philosophical themes. His unique style has earned him widespread fame, and he is renowned for his one-liners that often present innovative and unexpected situations. He won an Academy Award for his short film "The Appointments of Dennis Jennings."

Professions: Comedian, Actor, Professional Writer

Nationalities: American

Quote by Steven Wright: I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet....
Quote by Steven Wright: Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow....
Quote by Steven Wright: I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after...
Quote by Steven Wright: Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh....
Quote by Steven Wright: How young can you die of old age?...
Quote by Steven Wright: When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane....
Quote by Steven Wright: I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise....
Quote by Steven Wright: When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well,...
Quote by Steven Wright: I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught...
Quote by Steven Wright: Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug....
Quote by Steven Wright: I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it....
Quote by Steven Wright: Is 'tired old cliché' one?...
Quote by Steven Wright: I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... per...
Quote by Steven Wright: What happens if you get scared half to death twice?...
Quote by Steven Wright: If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts....
Quote by Steven Wright: I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me - and I didn't hear it...
Quote by Steven Wright: I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'...
Quote by Steven Wright: I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered....
Quote by Steven Wright: I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere....
Quote by Steven Wright: Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark....
Quote by Steven Wright: When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in ther...
Quote by Steven Wright: I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out....
Quote by Steven Wright: What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make...
Quote by Steven Wright: Smoking cures weight problems, eventually....
Quote by Steven Wright: I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don...
Quote by Steven Wright: I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography....
Quote by Steven Wright: Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. ...
Quote by Steven Wright: I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without ...
Quote by Steven Wright: I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing....
Quote by Steven Wright: I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said,
Quote by Steven Wright: In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a...
Quote by Steven Wright: I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and g...
Quote by Steven Wright: I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control....
Quote by Steven Wright: When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?...
Quote by Steven Wright: How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?...
Quote by Steven Wright: I saw a want ad.
Quote by Steven Wright: I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it....
Quote by Steven Wright: Sometimes I... No, I don't....
Quote by Steven Wright: It's a fine night to have an evening....
Quote by Steven Wright: I went to a garage sale. 'How much for the garage' 'It's not for sale.'...
Quote by Steven Wright: If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?...
Quote by Steven Wright: When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since....
Quote by Steven Wright: Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff....
Quote by Steven Wright: Imagine Oshkosh straitjackets for little insane children....
Quote by Steven Wright: I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a m...
Quote by Steven Wright: I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'sel...
Quote by Steven Wright: My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting...
Quote by Steven Wright: When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this kee...
Quote by Steven Wright: Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?...
Quote by Steven Wright: You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she l...
Quote by Steven Wright: I like to reminisce with people I don't know....
Quote by Steven Wright: When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should sta...
Quote by Steven Wright: If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, d...
Quote by Steven Wright: After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?...
Quote by Steven Wright: I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost....
Quote by Steven Wright: I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it....
Quote by Steven Wright: always remember your unique, just like everone else...
Quote by Steven Wright: One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment build...
Quote by Steven Wright: Why do psychics have to ask you for your  name?...
Quote by Steven Wright: Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?...