Steven Wright Quotes

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the 'Boston Phoenix,' and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that's where I first saw 'deadpan.'

Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh.

How young can you die of old age?

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.

Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

Is 'tired old cliché' one?

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.

I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me - and I didn't hear it.

I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'

I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.

I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.

I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out.

What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny.

Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.

I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So, what did you think?

I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.

I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it."

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."

I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.

Sometimes I... No, I don't.

It's a fine night to have an evening.

I went to a garage sale. 'How much for the garage' 'It's not for sale.'

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

When I was ten, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We haven't spoken since.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Imagine Oshkosh straitjackets for little insane children.

I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?

I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

always remember your unique, just like everone else

One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I turned it, and the whole building started up. So I drove it around. A policeman stopped me for going too fast. He said, "Where do you live?" I said, "Right here!" Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?