"I've always wanted to have a suitcase..." - Quote by Mitch Hedberg

“I went to a tent store. "What kind of tent do you need?" "Circus."”

“I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.”

“I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.”

“She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.”

“I do have big tits. Always had 'em - pushed 'em up, whacked 'em around. Why not make fun of 'em? I've made a fortune with 'em.”

“Golf is one of the few sports where a white man can dress like a black pimp and not look bad.”

“Such squeamish youths as cannot bear to be connected with a little absurdity are not worth a regret.”

“I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know how to show it.”

“I don’t have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.”