“With the proper training, I could've been an evil genius.”

“You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.”

“When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.”

“Language is a tool for concealing the truth. If we could read each other's minds, this would be a horror show.”

“When will all the rhetorical questions end?”

“American invents everything, but the trouble is we get tired of it the minute the new is wore off.”

“I have always claimed Americans didn't want a drink as bad as they wanted the right to take a drink if they did happen to want one.”

“Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game - it, and high taxes.”