"I like rice. Rice is great if..." - Quote by Mitch Hedberg

“I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there! It's filler.”

“No, I was just good at holding ice cream cones.”

“People associate long hair with drug use. I wish people associated long hair with something other than drug use, like an extreme longing for cake. And then strangers would see a long haired guy and say, "That guy eats cake!" "He is on bundt cake!" Mothers saying to their daughters, "Don't bring the cake eater over here anymore. He smells like flour. Did you see how excited he got when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?"”

“You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.”

“I'm glad I did it, partly because it was worth it, but mostly because I shall never have to do it again.”

“Sports are the reason I am out of shape. I watch them all on TV.”

“I wish they made fajita cologne, because that stuff smells good. What's that you're wearing? That's sizzlin'!”

“My idea of heaven is a great big baked potato and someone to share it with.”

“Some simple dishes recommend themselves to our imaginations as well as palates.”