"They say if you outlaw guns, only..." - Quote by George Carlin

“I don't own a camera, so I travel with a police sketch artist.”

“What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?”

“Energy experts have announced the development of a new fuel made from human brain tissue. It's called assohol.”

“A lot of the people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt”

“The most powerful military country in the world, America - which makes all the guns, all the machinery, all the bullets - taught us how to shoot the guns.”

“In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say 'Stop, or I'll say stop again.'”

“In the same period that the Americans have lived under one constitution our French friends notched up five. A Punch cartoon has a 19th century Englishman asking a librarian for a copy of the French constitution, only to be told: 'I am sorry Sir, we do not stock periodicals.'”

“You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.”

“Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.”