"I think I became funny because I..." - Quote by Dave Barry
I think I became funny because I grew up in the Bronx. I was small and weak and Jewish instead of large and fierce and Puerto Rican. You need something.
More by Dave Barry
“I really need to know where I'm going with fiction to write it in a way that at least I'm happy with. And I really think that a lot of fiction books end badly because terrific writers said, "I'll just figure it out" and plunge in, but have created so many problems that they are kind of impossible to solve. I mean, I'm talking really good writers do this and you can tell when they got to the end they either had to do something preposterous or they just don't really resolve things. So for fiction I spend a lot more time outlining and for humor I really don't do much of it.”
“It was not easy victory in the America Cup. Our boys spent years experimenting with different designs for their boat before they came up with the innovative idea of having a submerged nuclear submarine tow it.”
“Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.”
More on Humor
“Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.”
“I have been cautioned to talk but be careful not to say anything. I do not consider this a difficult task.”
“I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet-tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know what Mama knows.”
More on Identity
“I cannot help reflecting that if my father had been American and my mother British instead of the other way around, I might have gotten here on my own.”
“I'm thought of as this pissy, complaining, freaked-out schizophrenic who wants to kill himself all the time.”
“O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo? Deny thy father and refuse thy name; Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love... 'Tis but thy name that is my enemy;What's in a name? that which we call a rose By any other name would smell as sweet.”