"Why do croutons come in airtight packages?..." - Quote by George Carlin

“And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National”

“I'm in shape. Round is a shape.”

“We get what we deserve. They are our elected officials.”

“I've never hit a woman in my life. Not even my own mother.”

“Massive potential you have and, in recognition of all this, would you mind having your salary halved.”

“I was born modest; not all over, but in spots.”

“I don't believe in dining on an empty stomach.”

“You know they call corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob", but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It's not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it "Mitch", but then re-attached it, and call it "Mitch-all-together".”

“I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'”