"Sailboats are the slowest form of transportation..." - Quote by Dave Barry

“I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?”

“I hope I don't sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud, but when I hear about people making vast fortunes without doing any productive work or contributing anything to society, my reaction is: “How can I get in on that?”

“The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.”

“Two people getting together to write a book is like three people getting together to have a baby. One of them is superfluous.”

“Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.”

“The optimist sees the donut, the pessimist sees the hole.”

“I only ever play Vegas one night at a time.”

“Every American bride is taken there [Niagara Falls], and the sight of the stupendous waterfall must be one of the earliest, if not the keenest, disappointments in American married life.”

“Though one can dine in New York, one could not dwell there.”