"If you nail a tool shed closed,..." - Quote by George Carlin

“Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.”

“Most people are not particularly good at anything.”

“Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.”

“I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."”

“I'll never graduate from collagen.”

“It's like deja-vu, all over again.”

“My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.”

“I didn't go to college, but if I did, I would've taken all my tests at a restaurant, 'cause 'The customer is always right'.”

“I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.”