"Flowers are one of the few things..." - Quote by George Carlin
Flowers are one of the few things we buy, bring home, watch die, and we don't ask for our money back.
More by George Carlin
“To me, smoking pot meant sitting with a newspaper on my legs, rolling the seeds down, pulling the twigs out and finally producing a perfectly cylindrical, absolutely wonderful joint that you either locked at both ends or pinched off, or pinched at one end and left open at the other.”
“In restaurants where they serve frog's legs, what do they do with the rest of the frog? Do they just throw it away? You never see "frog torsos" on the menu. Is there actually a garbage can full of frog bodies in the alley? I wouldn't want to be a homeless guy looking for an unfinished cheeseburger and open the lid on that”
“I kind of like it when a lot of people die, and on the other hand I always wonder how many unused frequent-flier miles they had.”
More on Humor
“Had double chins all the way down to his stomach.”
“God works wonders now and then; Behold a lawyer, an honest man.”
“If you want to know what cram is, I can only say that I don’t know the recipe; but it is biscuitish, keeps good indefinitely, is supposed to be sustaining, and is certainly not entertaining, being in fact very uninteresting except as a chewing exercise.”
More on Consumerism
“I had a box of Ritz crackers, and on the back of the box, they had all these suggestions for what to put on top of the Ritz. Try it with cheese. Try it with peanut butter. Come on, man, they're crackers, that's why I got them. I like crackers! I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates!”
“What is called 'capitalism' might more accurately be called consumerism. It is the consumers who call the tune, and those capitalists who want to remain capitalists have to learn to dance to it.”
“Put two things together which have never been put together before, and some schmuck will buy it.”