"I find a duck's opinion of me..." - Quote by Mitch Hedberg

“If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. Here's a drink, Mitch - it's ice cold. I guess I could lick it.”

“My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?”

“I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me - come a little closer!"”

“I like a man who's good, but not too good - for the good die young, and I hate a dead one.”

“I am sure of this, that if everybody was to drink their bottle a day, there would be not half the disorders in the world there are now. It would be a famous good thing for us all.”

“Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?”

“As for the dinosaur - But Noah's conscience was easy; it was not named in his cargo list and he and the boys were not aware that there was such a creature. He said he could not blame himself for not knowing about the dinosaur, because it was an American animal and America had not then been discovered.”

“The squirrel that you kill in jest, dies in earnest.”

“I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say "I'm hungry", and so it died.”