"'I'm sorry,' guys are always telling women,..." - Quote by Dave Barry
'I'm sorry,' guys are always telling women, 'but I'm just not ready to make a commitment.' Guys are in a permanent state of nonreadiness. If guys were turkey breasts, you could put them in a 350-degree oven on July Fourth, and they still wouldn't be done in time for Thanksgiving.
More by Dave Barry
“As the saying goes: "If you're not part of the solution, you're a newspaper columnist."”
“And now, the Superstore - unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.”
“Back then, the entire Internet consisted of two slow, boxcar-sized UNIVAC computers about 50 feet apart, connected by a wire. It would take one of these computers an entire day to send an email to the other one, which would immediately delete it, because it was a Viagra ad.”
More on Humor
“I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed man.”
“She's the sort of woman who lives for others - you can tell the others by their hunted expression.”
“They have passed the big inheritance tax, and that gets you when you are gone. You used to could die and be able to beat taxes, but not now. The undertaker don't go over your body as carefully as the assessor does your accumilated assets, and he gets his before the undertaker. They have it on these big fortunes now where they pay as high as 60 to 70 percent of what they leave. That's mighty expensive dying when it runs into money like that, and you won't see 'em dropping off as casually as they have been.”
More on Gender Differences
“Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.”
“Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."”
“Hate destroys the very structure of the personality of the hater.”