"I went to a tent store. "What..." - Quote by Mitch Hedberg

“I was on a bus once, it was in the middle of the night, and I had a box of crackers and a can of Easy Cheese. It was dark, and it was a surprise how much cheese I had applied on each cracker. That's why they should have a glow-in-the-dark version of Easy Cheese. It's not like the product has any integrity to begin with. If you buy a room-temperature cheese that you squeeze out of a can, you probably won't get mad because it glows in the dark too.”

“I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.”

“I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. Because they're grouper fish.”

“A crisis is a close encounter of the third kind.”

“Nonsense wakes up the brain cells. And it helps develop a sense of humor, which is awfully important in this day and age.”

“When the going gets tough, the tough make cookies.”

“I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'”

“I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "Oh, no, man, I juggle."”

“Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.”