"Incubated. And then raised. And then beheaded...." - Quote by Mitch Hedberg

“If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!"”

“I hate turkeys. If you go to the grocery store, you start to get mad at turkeys. You see turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Somebody just needs to tell the turkeys, "Man, just be yourselves!" I already like you, little fella. I used to draw you. If you had a couple of fingers missing, you would draw a really messed-up turkey. That turkey was in an accident!”

“As an adult, I'm not supposed to go down slides. So if I'm at the top of a slide, I have to pretend that I got there accidentally. "How the hell did I get up here? I guess I have to slide down. Whee!" That's what you say when you're having fun. You refer to yourself and some other people.”

“Sometimes it just amazes me how many people desperately want to protect my personal information.Ten thousand reflectionshide the true gem.Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.”

“My main reason for adopting literature as a profession was that, as the author is never seen by his clients, he need not dress respectably.”

“When it gets hot like this, you know what I do? I keep my undies in the ice box.”

“I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'”

“You learn a lot about someone when you share a meal together.”

“I think about food literally all day every day. It's a thing.”