"The Times is speechless, and takes three..." - Quote by Winston Churchill

“Never engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed man.”

“There are men in the world who derive an exaltation from the proximity of disaster and ruin, as other from success.”

“Writing ... it begins as an amusement, then it becomes a mistress, then a master, and finally a tyrant.”

“Women are like tea bags.They do not know how strong they are until they get into hot water.”

“I am so mean I've handcuffed lightnin' and thrown thunder in jail.”

“Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.”

“Society always consists, in greatest part, of young and foolish persons. The old, who have seen through the hypocrisy of the courts and statesmen, die, and leave no wisdom to their sons. They believe their own newspaper, as their fathers did at their age.”

“Michael Moore and I actually have a lot in common. We both appreciate living in a country where there's free expression. But Michael, if you ever show up at my front door with a camera, I'll kill you. I mean it.”

“I was very pleased to get a Supreme Court justice suggesting a column, so I went and did a column about Beano. I went with my wife and another guy to a Mexican restaurant, which we thought would be the ultimate test for an antiflatulance product. There's a reason most of Mexico is located out of doors. And it worked. Several newspapers refused to run that column. But they did run advertisements for Beano.”