"I became a stand-up comedienne because I..." - Quote by Phyllis Diller

“I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.”

“No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they're early, so naturally you're not ready.”

“I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.”

“I found out I had a real love for comedy and comedy writing. The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing.”

“I started over again with an image: Nothing goes right. Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, Show respect. With me, you show respect. So I changed the image to I don't get no respect. I tried it out in Greenwich Village. I remember the first joke I told: Even as a kid, I'd play hide and seek and the other kids wouldn't even look for me. The people laughed. After the show, they started saying to me, Me, too - I don't get no respect. I figured, let's try it again.”

“Comedy, I figured, was the thing that came to me the most easily. Playing the trumpet and piano took practice. I thought that was a waste of time. I'd go out on the street corner and be funny. In a minute.”

“Nearly all marriages, even happy ones, are mistakes: in the sense that almost certainly (in a more perfect world, or even with a little more care in this very imperfect one) both partners might be found more suitable mates. But the real soul-mate is the one you are actually married to.”

“Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.”

“Marriage is good enough for the lower classes: they have facilities for desertion that are denied to us.”