"Mitch's Pizzaria... this week's coupon: unlimited free..." - Quote by Mitch Hedberg

“No, I was just good at holding ice cream cones.”

“I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.”

“I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.”

“No married woman ever trusts her husband absolutely, nor does she ever act as if she did trust him. Her utmost confidence is as wary as an American pickpocket's confidence that the policeman on the beat will stay bought.”

“I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.”

“I don't want to have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box. I wanna have my face on the cover of a Rice Krispies box. "Snap, Krackle, Mitch and Pop"!”

“I always invest in companies an idiot could run, because one day one will.”

“Lawyers are the jackals of commerce.”

“I found that competition was supposed to be a menace and that a good manager circumvented his competitors by getting a monopoly by artificial means.”