"I wear a necklace, cause I wanna..." - Quote by Mitch Hedberg

“I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out.”

“If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. "Well, I was lost, but now I live here!"”

“My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?”

“I'll bring my grits when I travel, because I get so hungry on the road.”

“I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.”

“Come, dear, [Gwendolen rises] we have already missed five, if not six, trains. To miss any more might expose us to comment on the platform.”

“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.”

“I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.”

“In restaurants where they serve frog's legs, what do they do with the rest of the frog? Do they just throw it away? You never see "frog torsos" on the menu. Is there actually a garbage can full of frog bodies in the alley? I wouldn't want to be a homeless guy looking for an unfinished cheeseburger and open the lid on that”