"On a traffic light green means 'go'..." - Quote by Mitch Hedberg

“I find that a duck's opinion of me is influenced by whether or not I have bread. A duck loves bread, but he does not have the capability to buy a loaf. That's the biggest joke on the duck ever. If I worked at a convenience store, and a duck came in and stole a loaf of bread, I would let him go. I'd say, "Come back tomorrow, bring your friends!" When I think of a duck's friends, I think of other ducks. But he could have, say, a beaver in tow.”

“I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.”

“I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.”

“Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'?”

“There's only one kind of tax that would please everybody - one that nobody but the other guy has to pay.”

“In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.”

“Balloonists have an unsurpassed view of the scenery, but there is always the possibility that it may collide with them.”

“I see children as kites. You spend a lifetime trying to get them off the ground. You run with them until you're both breathless. They crash . . . you add a longer tail . . . you patch and comfort, adjust and teach. You watch them lifted by the wind and assure them that someday they'll fly.”

“The river was mild and leisurely, going away from the people who ate shadows for breakfast and steam for lunch and vapors for supper.”