"If you had a friend who was..." - Quote by Mitch Hedberg
If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.
More by Mitch Hedberg
“I walked by a dry cleaner at 3 am, and there was a sign: "Sorry, we're closed" You don't have to be sorry, it's 3 am, and you're a dry cleaner! It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open! I'm not gonna walk in at 10 am and say "I walked by here at 3 and you were closed - somebody owes me an apology!"”
“I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.”
“I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.”
More on Humor
“So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."”
“Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?”
“There are six-million shots in the game of pool.”
More on Friendship
“I had three chairs in my house; one for solitude, two for friendship, three for society.”
“Friendship is born at that moment when a single particular person claims to a different: 'What! You far too? I assumed I was the only real one particular.”
“Under the rose, since here are none but friends, To own the truth we have some private ends.”