"There was a product on late night..." - Quote by Mitch Hedberg

“I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. Because they're grouper fish.”

“Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse. That would be chaos. I would think that if you were the headless horseman's horse, you would be very confused. "I don't think this dude can see."”

“I went to England to tell jokes, and I wanted to tell my Smokey the Bear joke, but I had to ask the English people if they knew who Smokey the Bear is. But they don't. In England, Smokey the Bear is not the forest-fire-prevention representative. They have Smackie the Frog. It's a lot like a bear, but it's a frog. And that's a better system, I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me and I thought, "Man, I better play dead!"”

“I have a scheme for stopping war. It's this - no nation is allowed to enter a war till they have paid for the last one.”

“I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."”

“I'm not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did.”

“Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way: Prices and participation may vary. I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald's owner. "Cheeseburgers?" "Nope! We got spaghetti, and blankets."”

“Advertising mourishes the consuming power of men. It sets up before a man the goal of a better home, better clothing, better food for himself and his family. It spurs individual exertion and greater production.”

“All the papers that matter live off their advertisements, and the advertisers exercise an indirect censorship over news.”